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Being A Dirty White Secret For An Indian Man {or why a white woman isn’t always free to date an Indian man}

angela-bangalore-blog-indian-men-dating-white-women-in-secret-sI’ve been angry and upset about this topic more times than I can even count.  I suppose that this blog post – written after some martinis at 2am – is my way of gaining some closure in true blogger style to ensure that I end things finally – for once, and for all.  Because this part of my life in India has been going on for so very long and it brings me more drama and more trouble than it does fun and enjoyment at the end of the day.

Next week I’ll have been living in India for two years.  In just three more months, I would have been “seeing” the same Indian man for that many years now too.  But secretively and hidden from public knowledge.  Not because we don’t care about one another.  Not because we don’t see each other as often as we can.  Not because we don’t speak or message just about every day.  We keep everything hidden because we have no future, something he told me from the beginning … while still telling me that he loved me and that I was special because he never knew that a woman could be like me.  Yet at the end of the day, I’m more than two years older and I’m not an Indian.  And being caught with “a woman like me” would cause embarrassment to his family and the media would rip us apart (a concern given what he does for a living, even though he’s single).

The funny thing is, I’ve been with him longer than I’ve been with anyone in a decade.  He’s literally the longest “relationship” I’ve had since 2003 when I left California the last time and moved to Europe.  We’ve been through drama after drama after drama and always come back together.  The dramas were sometimes due to his ego, were mostly due to me getting upset because our relationship seemed 100% the way he wanted it without consideration for what made me happy more and more … but sometimes they were because I wanted to change things between us even though he stood firm, always saying “we have no future, there’s no point, just enjoy the moment.”  And I have, for almost two years.  But I never fully understood it.  I’m American and there – or at least how I was brought up to believe – everyone is equal, and if two people truly care for each other than nothing else matters.  Not race nor colour, not religion or age.  I’m not saying that Californians have it right.  I mean, come on!  The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world I think.  But that doesn’t change the way my brain and my heart function because how does one unlearn a lifetime of beliefs simply by moving to a new country?  I couldn’t … and it has caused me problems.

But I want out now.  Not because I feel like a victim or that I was taken advantage of or any nonsense like that – I was happily with him because I wanted to be with him.  And sad right now that I won’t be any longer.

The other areas of my life are finally going GREAT.  I’ve not been able to say that for about 20 months.  I have a new career path that is now brightly shining below my feet.  My little angel – my darling 17 year old daughter – was accepted to every university she applied to and will {sadly} leave soon to start her new academic life in Europe.  I have a Life Plan for the first time EVER that includes moving to Sydney in 18 months, where my new business partners are located.   We have a three year ‘exit plan’ … and after that I’d like to head to Bali or some other island to live in a lovely little hut on the sand and write my first novel.

And I would have happily stayed secretly with him until I moved to Sydney, except that it has been more months than I wish to count since he has done anything special for me or put in ANY kind of effort.

Basically, everything in my life right now – even the mere idea of the three year plan – gives me positive energy and makes me feel happy and proud.  Everything except him.  I’ve stayed because we have some magnetic chemistry I’ve never experienced before in my entire life, and he truly was a great friend through every dark hour I spent in India … and he’s good fun. But good fun does NOT make me feel good when I’m constantly reminded that essentially he’s embarrassed of me because I would bring shame onto his family – or HIM – if we were found out.  It rather makes me feel like shit, to be honest.

Although it may not seem that way to everyone, I think I’m a good person.  I consider myself kind and giving, I’ve worked hard without any child support from my ex-husband for everything I have provided to me and my daughter.  I’m respectful and curious about other cultures.  And I try to do my part to fight inequality and injustice.  But none of that is good enough in this instance.

I’m sure the same could be said about countless wonderful white women (or Indian women from another religion or caste or ….) who Indian men have fallen in love with, or have cared for or – probably in lots of cases – wish they could have cared for and loved.  Society in India has white women labeled rather harshly and it is a rare family who invites us in.  The desire by Indian Moms to keep their sons with “the right” women (Indian, of their caste, their religion, their region, etc …) is taken very seriously.

So I say “T.I.I.” today!  That’s really all there is to it, no?  T.I.I. stands for “This Is India” and I want to live happily here in this amazing country in the time I have left!!  As the saying goes, since I can’t beat him I guess I’ll join him.  I am going to do what a rational Indian would do and walk away from a situation that would bring shame on MY family if I continued.  Because I know that I deserve much better than this…

XOXO from Bangalore

© Angela Carson and Angela’s Bangalore blog and photos

I started Angela’s Bangalore from my hotel room on the very first day I moved to India in 2011, while struck with jet lag! It was my very first blog, the country’s very 1st luxury travel blog. Now I’m rocking YouTube as @ExpatAngela, hope you’ll subscribe.

This article has 104 comments

  1. Karthickeyan

    Sorry to hear about the way things have turned out. As an indian who married a white girl, I know first hand how things can be. I am surprised you didn’t see it coming.

    • AngelaCarson

      I guess a part of me just always believed that things would change because things are quite different with he and I … but I was just deluding myself…. good life lesson though!  And I had a fun time learning the lesson 🙂  -ange

      • Karthickeyan

        Believed that things would change or believed you could /would change things. Rhetorical question.

      • Harsha (@29Harsha)

        Hi Angela,
        I am no judge but in ur case but I think u should draw the line now.. what if he is just using culture “Keeda (check meaning in hindi )” as a base case 2 have fun with ya? I think u should ask him to be a man , have the balls to stand up to u … enjoying till it lasts would be more hurtful than ever .. been there and it’s quite painful .. just my thought nothing personal.

        I not sure if all Indian men r like that …. I would marry anyone girl/ woman and have the balls to stand up to any culture and I did but she thought it was a fling and dint wanna live in BLR- yup she was a foreigner. I beat my self up for falling for the wrong girl but hey life is Bit%h , every day is a learning ..

        I think love is a cupid’s game. Unfortunately we don’t know the place, time or age when cupid decides to play the game 🙂 and yeah the wait can be quite long and painful!

        Thanks,
        Harsha

  2. Melanie

    Ahhhh Angela – do you need a virtual hug?

    Well, good for you girl!

    And I know how you feel, really, went through the exact same thing here in India and it does leave one feeling a bit icky…..But head up, chest out, and soldier on.

    Besides there is nothing Hagen Dazs and some good red wine won’t cure. Am I right?

    Love your life plan, congrats for your daughter, sound like you have way more plus’s on your life list than minuses and the future is looking mighty bright for you.

    • AngelaCarson

      That is a very sweet message, thanks!  Everything is fabulous and wonderful and it was just this ONE thing that brought me and my mood down every once in a while.  So… soldier on as you say 🙂  Thanks again, truly.  -angela

  3. Benjamin

    remember “relationships are like buses…one leaves and another one comes along five minutes later.”

    • AngelaCarson

      Noooooo, honestly I go years without meeting someone interesting enough to date.  Now I’m thinking I shouldn’t date AT ALL before moving to Sydney so I don’t get “stuck” in a place that is outside my plan 😉

      • Benjamin

        Wise choice. i haven’t dated in years. i just meet people. i love being single way to much. i.e. i value my independence.

        cheer up! have a drink. it’s “…nothing a little bourbon and soda couldn’t fix.” (Humphrey Bogart’s voice)

  4. Fran Chickiboo :-P

    I am happysad reading this, but I am sure you made a good decision – every end is a beginning, maybe the beginning of your novel hehehe. big kiss and virtual hug from BCN 🙂

    • AngelaCarson

      Frannnieee chickibooooooo …. yes, it is happy and sad (you know very well from when you were here).  I will take that virtual hug from Barna if you send una botella de vino tambien 😉  Besitos desde Bangalore guapa xooxo

  5. yogesh

    what bullshit ! first i find this truly nonsense wat ur bf said.and still don’t understand y u were stuck in such a relationship after everything he told you, n if it was ur choice then y r u sad now! 🙁

    • AngelaCarson

      The heart wants what the heart wants 🙂  I don’t regret it, just don’t need to keep doing it.  I’ve had my fun and now it’s time to move on.  It’s normal to be sad when saying goodbye….partings are sweet sorrow, they say.  -angela

      • yogesh

        no angie really,wat he said is not true,i still remember once when i was walking in a mall,with my mom n we came across a white girl n my mom stopped n started staring at her(indian habbit 🙂 ),i asked her what happened ,n mom replied she looks like BARBIE,lol.i don’t think my mom would ever mind if i bring a white girl home,n as far as i know,most of the indians wouldn’t.so i really find it difficult to believe what ur bf said,anyway all is well if it ends well 🙂

        • AngelaCarson

          Hey Yogesh, well he was never really my bf oddly enough, for all the reasons above. I suppose at the end of the day, looking at things honestly, he didn’t care about me as much I cared about him.  That would explain alot sadly. -angela  (very CUTE about your Mom!)

  6. Ritu

    Now if i say thats how Indian men are – people would blame me of generalization. But hey I had my fair share of dating Indian men before I found peace and happiness with my WHITE dutch Husband (and do haters not hate me for that, or people not behave obnoxious when I walk with him on Indian streets). And what else, my husband has blue eyes 😀

    • AngelaCarson

      Ahhhh the Dutch and those baby blues!  Good on you, I hope you are very happy.  And I’m sure you get the same looks I do when I’m with an Indian man on the streets or out for a meal, etc.  Damn aunties 😉 hahaha  -ange

      • Ritu

        you know really I am so scared at times with all those Indian men starring at us. Now on my way to mom-hood first child for both of us and a girl (which we so wished for as there has not been a girl child in my husband’s whole family, extended family and even friend circle in last 39 years – so everyone was kind of secretly hoping for a baby girl with me). And it scares me so much to read the new of Indian women being harassed and raped etc.

        I know there are chances for my baby girl to look considerably different. And I dont want her to be growing without knowing her Indian side, and I know that at times even your own extended families are not safe especially when your mom married a white guy.

        I just wish I can find a way around it and keep my baby girl safe and myself too, while I visit and do my research in India 🙂

        • AngelaCarson

          She will be just fine.  Rapes happen everywhere, every day … although India is experiencing a much needed “high visibility” focus on that topic right now — she will be safe.  I will keep my fingers and toes crossed she’s a stunning and precious baby girl (like mine).  My ex husband is Spanish, from Barcelona. That’s where my daughter was born and where we’ve lived most of her life.  She speaks Spanish (and Catalan) with a completely native accent, and English with an American accent like me.  Kids are the product of their upbringing and their environment so nurture both and she’ll be the coolest, luckiest kid around! -angela

        • R S

          Ritu, sorry about it all, on how you feel. I have long felt this, probably its time for the Indian culture to be destroyed, however not to be replaced by the ‘western’ or any other of the ‘eastern’ cultures, however something that rises up from the soil and earth, youthful, noble, and fully of idealism.Like what it most likely was, thousands of years ago.

      • yogesh

        “damn aunties” this is hilarious,i remember when my brother was working for t-mobile in Bonn,Germany,all the indian colleagues used to call his landlord uncle,hehe ,:).i think India is the only place where people CALL uncle and aunties to every older person .

  7. yogesh

    no offence ,!

  8. Margarita

    I am sorry he couldn’t come to his senses and realize what a gem you are! You are beautiful, intelligent and very accomplished. I suppose he will settle with an Indian wife to please his family, but know you will always be on his mind and the “what if’s” will haunt him forever. TII is RIGHT!~

    You’ll find your Prince Angela, one that praises you for you and not for what the family thinks or wants. And when that time comes we will all hear sweet chimes!!

    • AngelaCarson

      I’ve always enjoyed your comments but that… well, it made my day.  Thank you.  Really.  Thanks.  And my new “move to sydney in late summer 2014” plan has me thinking that I’m waiting until then to say yet to another offer for a date.  I’m super focused with work, on a mission to move… fingers crossed!  I hope your week is truly kick ass, and someone makes you feel as lovely as you made me feel with that response.  -angela

  9. R S

    I don’t know what is it with the South Asian mindset, especially my fellow males. But this is certainly some highly offensive perception of respectability, having achieved or done, little or none, of respectable worth. I feel challenged by our pseudomorphosis. The answer possibly lies in the complete destruction of the old culture and its traces. And at the same time I want to preserve it. I want to preserve because I see much that gives the human strength and drive to live, to struggle and prevail, to be a creative life-vigour.

    I have my own strong feelings against the western mores, however they have nothing to do with what most Indians perceive, wrongly in my humble opinion.

    To treat people, our fellow humans, in this manner, Angela, I am sorry for whatever hurt you might have received in the course of this. But you are a strong soul and see it in perspective, I reckon!

    And you know, deep down within, that you are more respected for who you are, than someone who deludes in ideas of respectability while knowing not how to treat a fellow human, especially a Lady, and mostly someone who loves him. Or maybe that family is not a real family in that it could not bring up a kid to become man enough to his love.

    My Grand Mother taught me that you earn respect, just as you earn love. Angela Carson, you are respected and loved, in senses real.

    Kindest Regards
    Rahul

  10. Rafael Del Valle

    Focusing on the positive: congrats for the 2 year relationship, definitely a step in the right direction. We all know that he is regreting his stupid predjudice more than anybody else. Meanwhile, I cant believe your lovely daughter is 17!!! It seems like yesterday that she came to work and waited for you drawing at the office.

    • AngelaCarson

      Rafael !!!!  Que bueno!!!  I came across the video last week from when we were on the innovation tv show, downloaded it for safekeeping!  What a nice coincidence.  And yes, we have come a long way…you with your lovely new family and me at least BEING in a relationship, haha.  You should see A, she’s on the Honour Roll at school and so big and pretty — can’t believe I only have 2 months left with her.  Time with your angel will fly too, you’ll see…  Besos a todos xoxo

  11. Saritha Hegde

    Hi Angela….live in Bangalore. was married to a Frenchman and now choose to be single ( well in a relationship with a man my parents dont know about ;-)) Would love to catch up over a glass of wine….and trust me…this too shall pass. One way or the other. Healing hugs!

    • AngelaCarson

      You are!! Naughty girl, haha!!  Thanks for the healing hugs, writing the blog post has helped actually.  I’ve never written about he and in all this time, was a good exercise.  Hugs right back, Angela

  12. Vish

    Angela, I am surprised that you were living in denial..such a mature person like you could not understand what he was saying… i think he was clear from day 1 for whatever reason…but he’s definitely gonna miss you for long long time now that he won’t be able to see u… realization is always slow …
    For you I will say ..sometimes we know what the outcome will be but we continue to love or like some person for our own personal reasons and justify all our actions…
    its like this ..sometimes people think they are taking us for a ride but I will say , we go for the ride because we want to go..not because we don’t understand what’s going on….so u had a good ride with a end ( which you knew but …)
    don’t worry you will remember only good things of this ride in few years time…
    cheer up and work towards your awesome plan..!!
    xx
    Vish

    • AngelaCarson

      It’s like you’re inside my head 🙂  Or you’ve lived this too?  Yes, he will definitely miss me, wonder if he will regret not trying harder to make me happier now that I’m gone (cuz I was happy to stay with him in secret until I left for Australia but he never did a thing to surprise me or make me feel special anymore and I kept telling him and telling him – which is what led to me breaking things off).  Thanks for the really lovely comment, Ange

  13. Alvin

    Sad again for U angela.. from your previous reads, I thought you never were in a relationship until you met that dark guy recently 🙂 well, forget the bad side & move on.. Good luck !!!

    • AngelaCarson

      Hey Alvin, yeah, I wondered if I should put something in there about that or not. It’s “complicated” and prefer to just brush the love stuff under the rug for now, not ready to write about it 🙂 But you were right … –angela

  14. Mommy Dearest

    Honestly, Angela, sometimes life is just like the gambler says … you need to know when to hold them, know when to fold them and know when to walk away. It is never an easy task to do the “walk away” but there comes a time in all of our lives when we know it is the right thing and the right time to do that. In order to move and look forward you just have to clean the slate. Extremely well written and I hope it brought you some inner peace and closure.

    • AngelaCarson

      Thanks, Mommy.  I could use you here tonight, can’t wait until you visit next month.  I did fold ’em, but I’m a bit sad at the moment.  Hoping that goes away soon 🙂  As far as closure … guess I wish it had been face to face with him instead of like that but that’s now how the deck was dealt to me unfortunately.  So this has to do.  Now I’ve just gotta suck it up and focus on work and the future 🙂  AND you coming in 4 weeks.  Love you Mommy xo

  15. Andrea

    I think such relationships are perfectly fine as long as both people are clear it’s a “summer romance” sort of thing that has a beginning or an end. The problems come in when one thinks it’s a lifetime love and the other thinks it’s a summer romance. Or one thinks love and the other thinks green card. Such things.

    Just don’t let him do that Devdas s**t where he tries to make YOU feel bad for the fact that HE doesn’t want it to go anywhere, or to pour out his tears and sadness at your feet. If it’s over, it’s over; as they say on Reddit, cut all contact, delete from Facebook, hit the gym. You don’t need that kind of drama now that you have a life plan!

  16. botham12

    Is it the same relationship you are breaking up which on march 12th you posted about finding love and happiness in India with an indian man ?

    Angela, I have read your blog posts I have to tell you. You are an eternal optimist but your plans never work out. You move to india with plans, that does not work out. You try other company that does not work out. You try magazines, social media etc; that does not work out. During each of those you were super excited about plans and the future. Now you have plans about sydney and a new career plan. All I am saying is be realistic and ask someone who knows you well and the situation to judge its potential; before getting all high and falling flat.

    • AngelaCarson

      hey, no, it’s not the same guy — but I don’t want to go into it here at the moment 🙂  And you are right, India has not been the best for me so far in my career but that has ended.  I haven’t started blogging about my new company because we’ve only soft-launched a few days back but I’m posting a bit on my FB Page, includng our first video ( https://www.facebook.com/Angela.Denise.Carson ).  Appreciate your concern though, although you are very wrong about “none of it working out” because all of my experience over the past 17 years – especially everything I’ve done here lately with social media and writing – have influenced my new path.  Everything happens for a reason, and I’m sooooooo happy none of those other jobs worked out.  Blessing in disguise 🙂  -angela

  17. DsylexicHippo

    Hi Angela,

    The man has no b@@ls. Period.

    Now, if you could excuse my French please.

    -Hippo.

    • AngelaCarson

      hahahhaa made me giggle.  It’s probably more true that he just doesn’t really care about me enough, if I had to really be honest.  Thanks for commenting, made me chuckle 🙂

  18. Rhonald Moses

    Well, since lots of people have already commented a lot, there is nothing much to say.

    Bringing shame to the family is just *(&*@#. If a man makes a stand, there is nothing that can change it. Family drama is always there.

    In a nutshell, Move on Angela and be strong… “Falling in Love” is a wrong term coz “Falling” means you need to “Get up” at some point.

    You still have a long way to go. Adios 🙂

  19. Ramesh

    First of all loads of virtual hugs to you-lovely English lady! 🙂 You are a great great person. I have become fond of you (not a lie :P)
    So never underestimate yourself. In this situation you have done absolutely right thing to walk away. And sooner the better.

    Any relationship is complex! And in situation of urs its ultra complex! Frankly, neither you nor he is wrong. Just imagine – even if you somehow became his better half ..the society n family surrounding him would never give the love that u deserve. Life would hv been a HELL.

    I am more or less in same situation. Moved to California from India. But I can’t be in a relationship with pretty chics here as they won’t fit in Indian society. And I have to move back to India at some point of time. Hence I don’t take EVEN the first step. 🙂

    Indian society is pretty complex. Recently we have faced huge atrocities from the white skin people thats why there is such negative mindset. Its same as in US – mindset about a Pakistani is of terrorist.

    Just have fun ..enjoy your time and keep writing lovely blogs! 🙂

  20. Ajay

    Surprised that a smart and mature gal like you would fall for something that guy made you agree to, that is be in a relationship in secret just for fun. His intent was clear from the beginnning and its all BS that it would be embarassing and all that for him. He was not serious about you and you should not have been in a relationship, in which there is no mutual respect. Well you are pretty hot, so you will get plenty of options now, just brush it off and move on, but then you don’t have to go as far as Sidney to get away from all this 😉

    • AngelaCarson

      He’s a lovely guy, truly he is … he just started taking me for granted and didn’t make me feel special and I grew tired of it.  But, noooooo men now til I move 🙂  Don’t want to get thrown off my plan 😉  Cheers! -a

      • Ajay

        Will see how long the self abstinence lasts 😉 Although I do hope you can sustain long enough..:)

  21. Ayan

    I’m not sure I agree with Ramesh but oh well, you can’t look at the world through a pinhole camera so to each his own.
    I’ve been married to a white American for about 2 years now and we have the most precious baby ever and we’re getting ready to move to Texas from Kansas for our next adventure! My family is very liberal when it comes to unions that are inter-racial, inter-cultural etc and are very respectful towards other cultures since we are more progressive and are 3rd generation Bombayites (or Mumbaikars to be politically correct).
    These ‘aunties’ and ‘uncles’ have a pseudo sense and pride in ‘our culture’ that keeps them from referring to people as individuals (say by first names) rather than labels (white, black, American, foreigner). Although I’m proud of what ancient India gave the world, the thought that these 18th/19th century Indians are stuck to their medieval notions and stereotypes is appalling and I for one wouldn’t tolerate this sort of attitude. I know Angela when you say that heart wants what the heart wants and those are times we don’t think long term, but if there was ever a time that a non-Indian person (male or female) came across this dilemma where they need to keep their relationship secret just because of what people might think, they are dating the wrong person. If their Indian partner can’t man-up or woman-up and be open about their relationship it’s a shame and that’s where it needs to end.
    I can imagine what was going through his head in thinking “Oh she’s not Indian, Oh she has a daughter from a previous relationship.. my parents won’t blah blah blah”. STOP! I’m sure you told him all the facts in the beginning.. was he just trying to have a good time? I’m compelled to think so.
    Indian culture is quite hypocritical when it comes to this coz I know for a fact that in Indian mythology, it was common for a man to have multiple wives and children (and I don’t support that) but it was pardoned just because they were kings or important… How double standard! How can you be a believer and follower in those revered figures if in your personal life as an ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’ when you resent anyone that has had previous relationships or even kids from them? That’s absurd!
    Anyway, in conclusion, I have learnt a lot of good things from this (American) ‘foreign’ culture such as the values of honesty, integrity, equality etc. while keeping my Indian values of family relationships, marriage (we fix things that are broken rather than replacing them as did Americans from the baby boomer generation and earlier).
    I apologize if I digressed too far from what you were saying but I guess I wanted someone that has a greater voice than mine to tell every American or foreigner that wants to date an Indian for the long term to back off as soon as a hint of ’embarrassment’ comes into the picture. Don’t put up with it unless there is a strong resolve from your partner to fix it and address the issue in the short term preceding the beginning of the relationship.
    Keep your head up and soldier on as they said earlier 🙂
    Cheers,
    Ayan

    • AngelaCarson

      Ayan, that was looooong, but really well articulated.  Thanks so much for adding to the conversation — and I’m thrilled to bits that you have broken free and found you future with an American!  I hope the move to the U.S. works out well for you.  Cheers, angela

      • Ayan

        Thanks Angela! I’ve actually lived here 8 years already. Enjoy India while you’re there and don’t forget to go to Bombay for a little while if you can!

    • Ritu

      Ayan,

      I think I loved reading your comment as much as. And its so true, how can love be an ’embarrassment’. And I really feel happy about the inter-country, inter-racial couples (myself being one 😛 )

  22. juni

    Angela. It depends on individuals,,, You got caught with someone who probably is not strong enough to make a decision….At least he is an honest guy who told you directly about his intentions,,,, My friend just got married to a German girl in Pune and they are living happily ;).

  23. rajeev

    Good that you accept your mistake. I always thought reading your blogs, though i have hardly commented once or twice, that you have a beautiful mind . I have liked many of your writings. Though i wasn’t always impressed by all your blogs for various reasons and sometimes pondered if you truly know and understand things on all the matters that you write. I had this impression that on some subject matters your insight was superficial and business driven.

    Now, this blog surely helps me clear the doubt about you.

    I may be rough to say this but – You and only you (not that guy) were wrong in your decisions at staying with the man you’re talking about. There could me many aspects questioned here but its time let it go. Good that you are moving on with clear and deeper understanding. Your decision is tough but better. Best of luck for your future life and endeavors. Good luck to your daughter as well.

    Though i don’t intend to comment on your personal life. This is just a reply on your blog.

    • Melanie

      Rajeev

      My parents taught us this wonderful quote to live by:

      “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”!

      • rajeev

        Melanie,

        Your parents truly taught you a good thing and i too follow that principal. whatever i wrote above was just my honest opinion and i admit i was harsh. Look when you talk about say indian economy you must have understanding of it… if you don’t know what a simple demand and supply means how could you talk about economy at all.I have been following angela’s blogs not because i dont know about my country but because it interested me knowing about my country through her views, good or bad. If you’re an engineer, a doctor, an MBA and following a blog i believe your opinion is a must and it must be meaningful as your an educated indian.. I m sure angela does not blog targeting page 3 folks, just to show off.

        its her intelect that she can pull people to read her writing and its fair on her readers part to put up their opinion. its challenging and so valuable else junk.

        once again, i admit i m harsh. I Would like to know what angela thinks about it.

        Thanks Melanie.

    • Ritu

      Rajeev,

      Lets be honest about it – Indian men are disgusting in many ways. And they are best kept in Friend-zone. I am sad that Angela fell for an Indian guy – but honestly, being an Indian myself (and the one who always had choices – good choices) I am glad i did not marry an Indian men.

      Self-introspect my fellow Indian, self-introspect !

      • Ayan

        Ritu,
        That’s a bit harsh don’t you think? 🙂 There are exceptions to the rule and it has a lot to do with the values your mommy gave you which is what I’m proud of in my case. My parents made no bones accepting my American wife but they’re a minority in our mahaan Indian that strangely is racist towards other Indians based on their color, language and physical features.
        I’m glad Indian girls like you are also breaking tradition. It’s long overdue!
        Ayan

        • Ritu

          Oh! Ayan, I totally agree. I had no issues with my family either (including my age-old grandparents).

          But I am so scared of walking down my own hometown roads with him, because of the starring Uncles and Aunties – who are probably just waiting (and maybe secretly hoping) for things to go wrong. Now on our way to Parenthood in couple of months, and we are so excited (and also so annoyed by some of our extended family members for the kind of reactions we get – I mean I was always happy for them, why cant they atleast reciprocate to me, even if they dont want to really know my husband).
          But true what you said. However, we are stil among probably 0.5% exception and not a norm, which is just so sad !! Cmone its all about love and what the heart wants 🙂

          • R S

            Ritu, God forbid if I were to become as much cynical.

            I tried posting something last night, however the site went down and my long msg was lost in some cyber wilderness. Let me try again and see if readers make sense of what I think to be the problem.

            We no longer have roots, we no longer have traditions, and we no longer have kinship. Instead, we have possessions, we have superstitions and we have tribalism.

            India is a terribly divided country, and the diversity far from unites, it divides and people mingle in situations where they may have something to gain. Worshippers of utility, we are.

            Individualism in an Indian sense, or South Asian sense, must bring everyone to point to the historical mutation of this region’s character, of its men, women and the societies, implies watching one’s back, even if it requires screwing another for one’s personal gain. The society has turned so sick that it actually seeks to worship ‘success’ derived of selfishness and bigotry. While driving or riding on the road, I see an absence of altruism conspicuous. I know of its presence in Europe, until a few years back, that walks shoulder-to-shoulder along side Individualism.

            While here, people’s behaviour on the roads is a telling example. It requires no explanation and I couldn’t be happier that I don’t have to explain it.

            The reason for all this is that there have been invasions and invasions and invasions, even within a village, which is the case with most parts of the country, there is no cohesive force at work, giving a folk a sense of belonging together with everyone else in that landscape. Instead, we have castes, sects, creeds, religions, origins… That’s a never-ending list of the divides that have not allowed ourselves to evolve normally.

            With divisions, come several insecurities, no wonder we all keep hearing of instances of tribal justice delivered, especially in Rajasthan, UP, Bihar, MP, Haryana and Punjab. Where there is fear, there cannot be love and where there is no love there can be no respect and given no respect, no appreciation of one’s worth as a living human being.

            Those, who are weak, as in not as powerful as the most powerful, in the community, though its barely worthy of being called one, depend on the powerful ones for their safety. And given the total paranoia, for the insecurities, the powerful are not mature enough to appreciate the concept of ethics. And therefore, they tend to regard those that they protect as their property, as something to be abused for their pleasure and exploited. Women are most often at the bottom of this pile. This was quite true in the US as well, until a few decades ago. However, before ranting on about the US, here is a blog on the state of our society:

            http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/onefortheroad/entry/why-indian-men-rape

            Growing up in such a society, with a predominant influence of our weaknesses, as I have spoken of, there are few to none who reflect and come to think of the malaise. Our insecurities and fears have turned ourselves into baser beings, incapable of showing love or sacrifice. As it happens, when there is liberty from such a repressive environment, most are so terribly immature that they either reject it, with the fear of losing themselves, having grown up with the dogma, the other extreme has those who try to enjoy their new-found freedoms to the hilt, and the example that comes to my mind are the Indian girls to go to live in the UK for the first time, mostly for their education. Of course men do it as well, and the earliest example is from the 60’s, which my Norwegian friend recounted to me of a South Indian Tamil friend of his.

            It is a tragic situation, the pseudomorphosis of a culture that leaves not much to challenge its pre-eminence and transformation. Mostly because people want to preserve whatever is available, to draw strength from, in it, give that they lack the courage or imagination to create something new and different.

            You spoke of your fear that your relatives, who may be secretly hoping for ‘things to go wrong’, come on, you ought to draw your strength in your love with your bloke,
            people do not matter, the others, if you continue to think so, with fear, you will always have trouble outgrowing the ghost of your ‘Indianness’ and that can leave you only if you find the deep-rooted cause of this country’s tragic unravelling.

            My idea of being an Indian comes from the place where I feel I have roots, from the river that I see as, not just sacred, inspiring and enchanting.

            Its a translation from my favourite poet:

            Look at that hill‐stream. How it halts
            and bends and glides and swings around,
            Jumping, slipping and then, collecting itself,
            surges up and rushes on.
            Should it be stemmed, it would burst the rocks
            and cut open the hills’ hearts
            This hill‐stream, my fair saki,
            has a message to give us concerning life.

            Darya-E-Sindh!
            The Mighty River Indus!

          • Ritu

            R S

            Oh! I loved the way you put it. And I completely agree with you the fear is within us, within myself. But I am also so glad to have met my husband (infact all those who met him in his life, would say the same about him). I did some good deeds if there was a past-life 🙂

            But my fear just dont stop at me, its for everything that has been a part of me – the people I met, the beautiful friends, my country, the innocence and I find myself short of words to express, how guilty i feel for being able to do enough to break those dogmas and help the change (I wish I had more strength – but I would go on trying and hoping that one day we would be free of these narrow boundaries) and I think the best I can express my hope is through the words of Tagore ….

            Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
            Where knowledge is free
            Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
            By narrow domestic walls
            Where words come out from the depth of truth
            Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
            Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
            Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
            Where the mind is led forward by thee
            Into ever-widening thought and action
            Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

            I hope we would open our eyes into the heaven of freedom and we would be awake 🙂

            Ritu

      • rajeev

        Ritu,

        well, lets be truly honest about your public statement : its not completely true. You are right on many grounds but not all. when you blame whole indian men your comment must be examined by you very deeply – that is self introspection. Just a shallow comment is poor insight.

        Are you calling Swami Vivekanand, Mahatma Gandhi, Bhagat singh, Rabindra Nath Tagore, C V Raman, Dr, Abdul Kalam, Dr Amratya Sen disgusting?? I m sure ‘NO’. If i may assume that you love your country then remember its not great because its men are disgusting. We achieved a GDP growth rate of 9.4% by the hard work of our economists, 36% of NASA scientists are Indians, 34% of Microsoft employees are Indians, etc etc.. i am not focussing on numbers here but visions which cant be blurred by some handful bad indian men, one of whom angela was in relationship with.

        your opinion is rather generic. i dont discard it completely but dont wish to accept fully.

        thanks!

        • Ritu

          hi Rajeev,

          I am not really fond of people who present statistics about India. especially when we feel it justified that India would not have any poor by 2040 (2040 WTF, you mean another whole generation of people dying in chronic poverty).

          And yup its pretty easy to generalize men and women- I did that too – and I am not sorry about it – the men you mention were exceptions, not the general rule.

          i come from the state of Harayana, and honestly i would consider only FEW of my own very loving and dear friends and family to be a Potential Exception !

          BTW if you are fond of statistics and India shinning and stuffs, than I suggest you to take a 2nd class train ride across India and read City of joys on the way (sadly the book was written in the year I was born, and during my mentally challenging journey to know my own country I found it all to be still the same after 28 years) Most of it , because Indian men have this huge and false image of themselves !! So lets accept it – exception is not a rule and Indian men are surely not exceptional !

          • rajeev

            If i can put it again to you – you have lost hope on your country and its country men and adopted a pessimist mindset. Class 2 train and reading a book, ha ha!! that really sounds like fun.. more like enjoying india and not contributing anything for its betterment. I would suggest you to spend your weekends with poor children at govt schools imparting knowledge which would help our country grow, thats true implication of reading books and i do it, do you?? I have seen india, its poor class and its local train a lot. Thanks for your suggestion Ritu.

          • Ajay

            Well Ritu, you generic comment about Indian men, does that include your father and brother too?? Are they disgusting too, going by your statement, they must be. Some points you make about Indian culture are valid, but then you go overboard and start making these broad statements about India and Indian people, just because you married a dutch guy. There are a lot of Indian guys who have married western women and they don’t seem to think Indian men are disgusting. I am also slightly averse to about quoting statistics about India, but then you have to accept that India is making progress, slowly and steadily, although we are far far away from where we should or could be and should not start congratulating ourselves so soon, as our media starts doing so frequently. But your suggestions about reading city of joy and taking a journey in a second class compartment are really laughable. City of Joy is good, but still is its more in the mode of Slumdog Millionaire than looking at all aspects of India. In fact City of Joys looks at more positive aspects of the Indian culture than you do. You seems to be ashamed of being an Indian, agreed that India Shining and all that chest thumping is too soon, but there are lots of things one could be positive about India and it is better off without people like you who have a hidden inferiority complex about being an Indian and are ashamed of it.

          • Ritu

            Rajeev,

            I studied in a school with orphan kids, my parents donated a part of their income religiously to people who need support. and I am glad God gave me strength and capacity to keep the tradition going. I come from the state of Haryana, where I was not killed but rather given the opportunities to out-grow my own-self. recreational journeys are really fun and I like bag-packing with friends around the world. But there are very few times in life when you get an opportunity for a meaningful journey, mine was when I traveled with less-fortunate beings of my own country and lived with them (not in a supposedly safe hotel or family environment) unfortunately I was reading a book at that time written 28 years ago – and I saw everything Domnique has talked about – that puts your statistics right in place ! We are developing – where, if that is just about you, your likes and your bank-balance, than I am sorry I am concerned with it !

            Ajay,

            true that, my brother and my father and even my grand-father are no exception to woman dominating men of India. Like all other friends and boyfriends and acquaints I have come across. And probably that was one of the BIG (and logical) reason, they felt it appropriate for me to get married to a non-Indian . Although they were scared (because of hollywood impression) until they met my (now) husband.

            Let me remind you one more thing, there is no pleasure in self-congratulations, especially when there is nothing much we have achieved. As a culture and as a country we are open to views, opinions and criticisms of people who come visit and live with us (and at times fall in love with us). And if you think that you need to defend your (and mine) culture and country from people who criticize – than I suggest to vote for congress for yet another term 😉

          • rajeev

            Ritu,

            The name Haryana speaks a lot. You and parents are truly brave. It was a pleasure participating in the discussion with you.

            I know in the country of Vātsyāyana, today some(not all) indian men have earned themselves the tag of disgusting mainly attributed of the feminine disparity.

            i sincerely hope one day women of india can be proud of all indian men.

            This is a huge topic and requires tremendous knowledge with wide spectrum of exposure. What i have found on internet blogs is people do have exposure but lacks knowledge which comes from a lot of reading and not writing. i dont want to tell that i m an intelect here but yes i do try to gather information from reading a lot. its my hobby.

            i am against this approach so was firm with my stand..

            good bye and cheers!!!

        • R S

          Rajeev, there is always an opportunity to be good again, for redemption, in case we have made errors in our conduct. Rest, as far as our culture is concerned, compared to the ‘great’ men you have counted, in your rhetoric, there are millions of greater, not that Bhagat Singh etc were any inferior, men in the country, who have risen beyond mindsets, which the petrified state of the land has trained them in. When called by their conscience to sacrifice, they have not hesitated, and examples, that are real, though not as renowned.

          Another problem I have with the contemporary mindsets is that they equate poverty with vulgarity and obscenity, it may not always be right though. But then again, this is a blog that has among its readers and participants, a globalised audience, to an American, speaking of luxuries and ‘lifestyle’ options in an Indian city. As time and again I have noticed that my efforts to speak what I think are anathema to the modernised and globalised consensus. I might as well opt for the Taleban then, but again, I find their ban on shaving beards and hooch just as senile! 🙂

          Angela, I have respect for you, for the manner in which you have managed the blog, the open and respectful content, mostly. I’d rather that you do not take offence at my perspective.

          • rajeev

            R S : first of all toast on your Name initials. Its my favorite and that makes me apprehend that you are potentially intoxicating.

            In the words of my Guru Late Mr. Bernard P:

            Through knowledge man has probed the skies
            But man made science is a dwarf in size
            God’s creation will tire your wandering eyes
            “To see hills peep o’er hills and Alps on Alps arise

            “So seek true knowledge if you can
            A shallow thinker is a worthless man
            This is your age to make a concrete plan
            How best you can serve your mother land”.

            Great talking to you guys : Ritu and R S

            Cheers for Humanity.

    • AngelaCarson

      Rajeev – Accept my mistake? I was wrong for staying? No way! He is the most {consistent} romantic fun I’ve had with a man in a decade. And me for him as well. I wouldn’t change anything and it wasn’t a mistake to be with him – I learned tons and had the time of my life! If I had the chance to go back in time and not start up the relationship I would not do it. I wrote that blog when I was upset and hurt and it shines light on one aspect of a relationship that was certainly “less than ideal” but so damn fun and wonderful it was worth it. -ange

      • rajeev

        Angela – “Being A Dirty White Secret For An Indian Man” suggests an apologetic connotation. You chose to end it with this tag on your blog. If you dont regret it dont regret it. I understand that you were upset and hurt when writing the blog. So here i go, i wont comment on this any more. For me love is always a wonderful feeling and history is evident that it has never been simple. As they say “everything is fair in love and war”

        Cheers!!

        • AngelaCarson

          An “apologetic connotation” … you couldn’t be more wrong on that.  I was just stating a fact {I WAS a secret} while simultaneously jazzing up my article title for fun 🙂  -A

          • rajeev

            Might i ask – how do you differentiate between fact and truth??

            Thanks angela.. It was nice talking to you.

            Rajeev

          • AngelaCarson

            Too long a topic and too far removed from the topic of my article 🙂  Sorry, I write a lot, don’t feel like starting a new article here in my comment stream 🙂  You do that 🙂  Cheers, Angela

          • rajeev

            Ok having thought i am convinced its not apologetic but it does convey a tone of regret. The latter title -“why a white woman would bring shame to a family by dating their son”, is sounds better articulated for public discussion.

          • rajeev

            Whats the point writing a lot then?? Anyway, i dont have much interest in writhing thing. I do like to open up discussion which tried. good luck to other writers here. Cheers!! 🙂 🙂

  24. A.Madhavan

    Don’t worry, it’s his loss, not yours. It sounds like you’ve been stuck with the WRONG Indian man – no brain, no balls to think on his own, or outside the box. Don’t waste your time with him.
    Not all Indian men are like that – but they are few and far in between. I have been happily married to a Tamilian for years, and he has never once been embarrassed of me or had tried to hide me. He told his mother about me the day we met. He doesn’t expect me to be Indian, he just wants me to be myself. That is what a confident man does!!!

    FYI the only reason that an Indian Mother-in-law wants an Indian daughter-in-law is: 1) so that they can boast about it to the outside world (“my son listens to me, I’m in control”) and 2) picking out a daughter-in-law is essentially picking out a lifetime slave for the mother-in-law, so that she can order her around and treat like crap. And the dysfunctional cycle continues again and again because people are afraid to do anything different.
    So by him selecting you, it shows his parents that they are not in control, and that his poor mother doesn’t get the lifetime slave that she “deserves”. Ha! So I really don’t think this is the type of man you want to be with. Now break up with him and be open to other, more positive possibilities, Indian or not!

    • AngelaCarson

      Your reasons for why a daughter-in-law is selected made me giggle 🙂 Thanks for chiming in and adding to the conversation. -ange

  25. loveonthebeach

    Angela, sorry to hear you were treated this way. Even if he was being honest with you, he is still a coward and you deserve someone who feels the same as you do. It did take my Indian guy about 3 years to tell his family about me (an American woman); not because he was ashamed, but because he was afraid of their reaction and wanted to be sure we were going to get married. They are Brahmin, highly religious, ultra conservative, everyone has had an arranged marriage, etc., but they have also been so welcoming and open to me. So, don’t judge all Indian men by this one jerk and know that the right guy would not be ashamed and would stand up to his family if he truly loved you. All the best for your next move!!

    loveonthebeach.wordpress.com

  26. American Punjaban PI

    Kudos to you for making this difficult decision. Unfortunately far too many women find themselves in this position and don’t have the strength to get out. They hang on for dear life praying for any kind of change and though it happens sometimes, the risks of it never happening are too big. I would say in your situation you did the best thing possible. He won’t change his mind.

    Ignorance is what makes some Indian families like this. While I lived in India my in-laws heavily praised me and so did the neighbors because they felt like I was such a good wife and family member. I met several Indian women who did not get the same praise. I’m not picking on Indian women but humans in general are the same everywhere. Being a good wife has nothing to do with skin color, lest every Indian woman would be ideal and that’s just not the case. I know several marriages that broke up and ended in nasty divorces between two Indians. I also know some miserable marriages there who were trying to stick to the strict no divorce customs. It’s not a good life.

    Anyway, my point is this – you’re not less than anyone. Just as you said, being white doesn’t mean you can’t be part of a well functioning and healthy family. You deserve nothing less than someone who will fight for you and make you just as happy as the rest of your life does now.

  27. anil

    Hey Angela, I can’t resist but comment.

    He sounds like a decisive guy.

    Here is the secret. Being an indian male myself, I can assure you that we don’t think you are an embarrassment. If I(an indian male) really loved you, the last thing I would do is marry you and hand you over to my mother. *speaking from the heart here* I really love my mother but we indian guys are also familiar with our culture cause some of this makes our mothers a “bit batty” and trust me, you don’t want this baggage nor will we like to see you tolerate this nonsense.

    We’re kind of stuck with our mothers and many “other” obligations. It’s our “duty” and we sort of love and hate it at the same time. It’s actually for you own good. I know exactly where your guy is coming from.

    Your relationship could work but you both have to sit and talk about it. There is a lot to talk about. The guy will have to make drastic changes but first the guy has to consent or to be willing to commit changes. It means that he has to “compensate” for each aspect of life he is about to change. If he is not willing to go through all the riff raff for you then no point pushing it. My main point is that you are not an “embarrassment”; it’s something complex.

    regards,
    anil nair

    Btw, my real name is not anil nair. It’s an alias i use on the internet and facebook. Im not even south indian.

  28. Rajiv

    Oh dear, dear, dear Angela,

    My heart goes out to you and a cyber-hug from me!.

    I have spent my entire life dating western girls, married one now engaged to a western woman after an amicable divorce from my ex. So, I am an example of an Indian man who would commit to a western woman.

    I also hang out with a group of friends in California with quite a few Indians married to “white” americans/other westerners, male or female. Some have had problems with their families but most have successfully transitioned from girlfriend/boyfriend status to husband/wife status. Almost all of them are madly in love, get along perfectly well, some even have beautiful inter-racial children and find the cross-cultural interaction to be sizzling not just behind closed doors but free and out in the open world !

    Perhaps, living in america or elsewhere in the west makes it easier to be “out of the closet”.

    As an Indian, I can openly confess that while Indians are very welcoming, amiable, generous, hospitable people as hosts especially towards foreigners, Indians can also be some of the most bigoted, insular, narrow-minded, judgemental, intolerant people one could ever meet! So, that annoying schizoid, antipodal, anachronistic dichotomy of Indian civilization confuses even an Indian like me!

    It is true that Indians in India can perhaps be incredibly closed-minded and discriminatory. Indians look down on each other and discriminate each other depending on caste, social status, religion, ethnicity (Bengali vs Tamil or Punjabi vs Marathi or North vs South, Hindu vs Muslim, Hindu vs christian, Brahmin vs untouchable, etc, etc, etc.).

    While Indians admire the west for its freedoms, democracy, wealth and power there is an innate racial distrust of “white” culture, a hangover from British colonialism that will take several generations to overcome. The irony being that most westeners who are “into” Indian culture are ideally the perfect cultural ambassadors of their country to improve inter-cultural relations and should be treated with respect by the host culture like India but are not because many Indians have no “cultural finesse” in dealing with westerners or other foreigners!

    There is also this jingoistic, delusional, mythological, ludicrously ridiculous fantasy that Indian shave being that Indian culture is “superior” that Indian women are “chaste” and “loyal” as opposed to “whites” or the “other” which is pure racial bunkum and for me it embarassing!!

    All I can say Angela is with your intellect, depth and beauty, I know any number of successful, chivalrous Indian guys here in California who would woo you relentlessly and your relationship with them would be “out of the closet” as it should be.

    But, I hope you can successfully solve your romantic dilemma soon!

    Sweet dreams !

  29. caseysh31

    Ruuuuuuuuuuuun!! As fast as you can, run! Many many Indians will say they have no issues regarding their families and dating you. Like you experienced, there was actually an Indian man who straight up told you he cannot be with you. That pressure exists on ALL Indian men. And no, the 20 and 30 year olds don’t have it any easier!!! I dated an Indian from age 26-32….. extraordinarily huge waste of those precious 6 years! It will never ever, never ever, never ever work! These are the true facts; 1. you are not Indian. 2. you are not from the man’s cast. 3. you have been married/divorced. 4. you have children. 5. you come from a culture that is on the extreme polar opposite spectrum end of their’s. 6. you never had a chance in the first place, because they all have the same agenda; college, work, then arranged marriage,then children. so you see, you were never on that agenda….and I could go on and on. I have a few friends who also had serious relationships with these men, they all ended up with scarred and scorned hearts, as did I. one problem that they had was that they had this fascination with Indian culture before they even dated. Fascination is ok, but don’t make it your goal to date an Indian because of it. They aren’t that great. Really, they’re not. If you can be happy with yourself, then open yourself up to all men. What most women want is very simple; loving, respectful, honest and thoughtful men….there are many white, black, yellow, and all other colored men who have these traits.
    Make it your goal to be with someone who can accept you for you; a man that is not ashamed to be with you, introduce you to his family and friends ,and verbalizes the future he wants to have with you.
    I’m 32 years old, and giving you the much needed information that I never received while dating one.

    • caseysh31

      Oh, and a quick note, might make you think twice….one of the friends that i mentioned above, her Indian boyfriend’s last words were “there is more to life than love”. Unfortunately, most Indians believe this, both men and women. This is why marriage in their culture is more like a business transaction……very very sad 🙁

      • Ayan

        Omg! Casey, I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. Was your guy from a more conservative family that made a huge deal about caste and culture? I’m assuming that’s true?
        Here’s the rule of thumb to follow for any girl/guy from the west either infatuated by the culture or sliding into a serious relationship with an Indian partner:
        “However early it might seem, check how liberal the Indian family is, what their acceptance is on a foreign partner, gender equality and whether they believe in second chances to those that have been in a previous relationship and possibly have kids from it.”
        Being in a similar boat, my wife is American and she was previously married. I just happened to be blessed with a family that is very modern and liberal when it comes to looking past things that are not in the individual’s control and not worrying about religion/caste etc. I mean the question is irrelevant when you tell your folks that your partner is not Indian so it’s a question I would ask right off the bat before anyone considers spending the rest of your life with that seemingly perfect Indian partner.
        I feel like the difference in a successful vs. failed intercultural relationship involving Indians is the failure to get this answered right off the bat because Indian families are very tightly knit and severing ties with the parents is not an option and I don’t think any girl/guy marrying and Indian wants to be a reason for relationship tension with the Indian side of the family.
        Just my 2 cents!
        Ayan

        • Ritu

          Ayan, Cmone on this is too much of a list to tally now.

          With my husband I fell in love first and realized later that he is 15 years elder to me 😛 (actually nobody would even say that he is if I wont say it, some people dont look old and they dont act old either i guess)

          But how is that really possible to bring out a whole list and family background check on an Indian men, especially if you dont even live in the same country or know the rules of the society. This is like arranging to fall in love ! 😛

      • Ritu

        Casey – I am an Indian girl and I totally agree with you. I cant justify the time I wasted with my Indian boyfriends who had these issues of conservative family, arrange marriages and being a dominating mommy’s good boy ! In all this I was expected to change, accept, adjust and still be one of the millions of more superior priorities.

        Hello I say! I am a girl, whom you fell in love with and I was like this when you fell in love with me. and Love has been a priority in my life and i so totally expected to get married to you (why would I be wasting my time in a steady relationship otherwise).

        Gosh – how glad I am I am not married to one of my fellow Indian ‘brothern’ 😛

      • Harsha (@29Harsha)

        Quick question : ur x indian bff was from which part of the country ?

        I not sure if all Indian men r like that …. I would marry anyone girl/ woman and have the balls to stand up to any culture and I did but she thought it was a fling – yup she was a foreigner. I beat my self up for falling for the wrong girl but hey life is Bit%h , every day is a learning ..

        I think love is a cupid’s game. Unfortunately we don’t know the place, time or age when cupid decides to play the game 🙂

        Nothing personal !
        Regards,
        Harsha

    • Akshay

      So there are no Indian men that are simple; loving, respectful, honest and thoughtful? What a blatantly racist statement.

      I understand you had a recent breakup, but I hope you see how ridiculous this is.

  30. Akshay

    I was with you until you started the bashing with “Ritu”. Thats when most of the audience lost sympathy..

    There is racism and discrimination everywhere. Believe it or not the dating game in America has its pitfalls for Indian men as well!

  31. rashhmim

    Very true Angela 🙂 It happens not only with whites but also among Indian men & women belonging to different Religions.

  32. ReallyMommyReally

    Angela… I am married to an Indian man who lives in the US but was born and raised in India. I am seven years older than him. He’s gorgeous. We have a seven year old son. His family was a little concerned at first but now they are accepting and adore our son. Not all Indian guys are total idiots like the one you were involved with, although I have seen my fair share of Indian guys who just use naive white women until they marry the Indian girl their parents choose. I even had an Indian guy ask me once if I would be his sexual “teacher” and be with him until he got married to the girl of his parents’ choice. Ridiculous! Anyway- it is very difficult to marry and Indian man if you are not Indian (or if you are Indian but from a different caste or state, etc.), but there are some gems out there.

  33. Rahul

    I read someone above said about “everyone has his/her own fair share of experience”. I do mine. I found that we are too much focusing on the words that have come out during the departing part “Indian” & “White”. I learned a different experience and that says that this is not the problem of “Indian Male” & “White Girl”. The cause is a girl or a boy from a different Caste/Status/Religion. This has nothing to with Colors & Countries. The in-depth root cause of this issue lies in Indian culture strongly nurtured & fabricated to teach us to respect your parents, care for family, brothers, sisters, relatives & society etc. In India this issue of not open heartedly welcoming a girl or a boy into family is also due to – different status but same caste, Same Religion but different Caste & Different Religion.

    I would disagree if someone would say that that guy’s love was not pure and it had some “Use and throw” intentions. How I found this is that this guy was mature enough and due to above considerations factors (considerable only in India) could foresee that divine love between Angela & him is never going to take shape the beautiful relationship of “Marriage”. Last stage of beautiful love.

    In Indian culture, we are taught since the childhood to take care of parents, family friends, relative even society and any of our acts (that includes marriage or selection of life partner, girlfriend etc) is going to leave a referent impact to all associated to you. And this is how they have been running this society since long time.

    God grant blood relations at the time of birth that includes parents, siblings & relatives. None can change them forever. One can’t even abandon them just like that. All parents want to see only their children are happy. But they are feared with a high drama dilemma of Indian Society “what other people will say…what society will say…that their son/daughter is out of line…having marriage with someone out of community”. Subsequent part of this fear is that this gets impact to their day to day life, sibilings ‘ marrigae etc.

    So this problem is with society and the thoughts that is almost impossible to change in a single day across india for all people. This is also not truth that everytime a girl is Victim of such foolish things, sometime a boy too. I am being a live example. God knows that I ever loved only a girl and never got a feeling of love for any other girl, not even for a second. In our more than 10 years relationship my love to her is growing day over day and getting much stronger. Though we are 1000 kms away and rarely get to see each other. I bet her love for me is also no less dense than I have for her. Our love or let me use word “Her love” is so pure and divine that most of the time we don’t need to even hear words to understand feelings, silence speaks up a lot. Trust me on this. But when it came to give the shape of Marriage to this beautiful relationship and to give her the title what she deserves, she started considering all above factors, in fact she was exposed to these factors by parents. We share same religion but different caste and status, I belong to so called highest Brahmin caste. After sometime when she put me a condition that we can marry if and only if her parents “permit”. I got hurt. I thought and realized the same as I wrote above. It’s not her. It’s situation…where she is put in by life. Her love for me is still that pure and will always be and mine as well.
    My Parents are also not showing gestures to welcome her in our family due to only “What will society & relative say”. They don’t have any problem. But when I talked to them and thought over this. I came to this conclusion. My parents are carrying this understanding & basics for last 60 years, I cannot change them, I cannot abandon them they are my parents…at this stage they need me. I talked to Girl’s parents, they are also not agreeing. I cannot push them. When I realize that I am in severe pain than I realize that she would be even in more panic situation.

    I am a Man of my words, I cannot run away from my responsibilities for my family and for her and words that I had given to her to be her shield and support forever. So I am not complaining…I am fighting with life and waiting for a stable time to come. Hope is the only Hope.

    I knew all this things and I explained her all in beginning that these hurdles would come in future. But she ignored all. I didn’t choose to fall in love…But I found myself in love…all of a sudden….and when I found it….I was at mid of ocean…at edge of leaf…I don’t have a way back…neither you Angela.

    Same with that Guy Angela, He must have seen all considerations will come in way, he still has to pay his dues to family but at the same time “heart wants what it wants”. He might have also found himself standing in middle of Ocean of your love…all of a sudden….with no way back.

    Saying all above Angela…It’s not him who is the reason of hurting you. It’s situation. This is not about a white girl or an Indian male. It’s about two divine lover put in different situation with different considerations in place which you have to honor.

    I wouldn’t give any false assurance to you that you will overcome with this. This beautiful time you are going to remember forever. For me, I have accepted that this is the life God has given to me and I have to fight it and live it all in this. I will accept now what all happens going forward…but I am there for her. I am working on focusing more again on my work & career to keep me occupied until unless my eyes automatically get closed because they are unable to stay open…I advise you do the same…keep your self busy.

    God bless you & all the best.

    • AngelaCarson

      Wow, that was very long.  But also very lovely.  Thanks for taking the time to comment and for your very sweet words 🙂 -angela

  34. Parikshit MysticO'Eyes Roychowdhury

    That man in your life should have stood with his family holding your hand.. not against them to hold your hand. I am sure they would approve for the sake of the happiness of you two…(and a personal tip, if they r hindus don’t ever mention that you ever ate cow meat :P)

  35. Soumya

    Good decision Angela..Run away from him as soon as possible.

    I also had the same kind of experience ,I am no white very much Indian and still the guy rejected me after being in relation for long two years

    I have realized that men just make excuses not to marry if they are not interested in love of you..they are just interested in only using you..some people will cover up that with the nicely dramatic love which they show..

    we as women fall prey for it that thinking one day everything will be fine even though he say he wont be able to marry you and you are special to him.

    Funniest part in my case is he is happily married to his best friend and tried to keep in touch with me after his marriage saying that he miss me and all that crap.(Later I found out that he is sleeping with every possible women he is finding).

  36. Nithin

    Wow, i guess i got here a bit late. I am not commenting on the guy thing, maybe you had to go through it to find a better guy. Sad to see that you are leaving, but happy to know that its for a new beginning. Will be looking out for a “Angela’s Sydney”. I wish you all happiness and success on the next leg of your journey. God speed 🙂

    Nithin

  37. Mark

    quite a practical statement u made… I wish you meet the right guy at the right time… and yes… how can I cheer a cheer leader 😉 … all the best !!!

  38. Silver Price

    I’ve been fielding such messages—or, rather, my father has—more and more these days, having crossed the unmarriageable threshold for an Indian woman, 30, two years ago. My parents, in a very earnest bid to secure my eternal happiness, have been trying to marry me off to, well, just about anyone lately. In my childhood home near Sacramento, my father is up at night on arranged-marriage Websites. And the result—strange e-mails from boys’ fathers and stranger dates with those boys themselves—has become so much a part of my dating life that I’ve lost sight of how bizarre it once seemed.

  39. Jennifer

    I don’t know… I had a similar experience. I’m a white girl, and he an Indian man- we dated secretly for a year and he was petrified to tell his family. Fast forward two and a half years later- we are married and I am an indispensable part of his whole family’s lives. I spend every Saturday at his aunt’s house making roti and sabzi. We prepared for what would happen if he told his ultra-conservative family about me and they cut him off- since he was an older college student totally dependent on them. Not only am I white, but i’m three inches taller than him, one year older, and I have a visible tattoo. His parents were not happy at first (for our first two meetings), but now I am a part of their lives completely and they are overjoyed that their son is so happy. I own my own business and have two clients who are mixed couples- Indian male, white female. It does work, but the love has to be there and strong, flings won’t make it.

  40. Ajay Canada

    We are in 2013,there should be no hiding and seeing or being embarrassed, I mean is the girl so ugly?No, so one should be proud and fortunate in just finding love.Wish you the best.

    • AngelaCarson

      Hi Ajay, sadly not everyone is as liberal as you and many parents in India want more for their sons than to fall in love with a divorced, older white woman 🙂 hehe -angela

      • caseysh31

        Of course. Instead of a beautiful divorced white woman who independently earns 6 figures each year in the U.S., takes second place. It’s obvious that the son would follow his parent’s demands to marry a, more than likely (9 times out of 10 probability), homely, ugly, almost male-looking, extremely harry woman who probably has no more than a Bachelor’s degree and is extremely prude, unexperienced and knows nothing about a true role as a LOVING mother/wife…..but what do I know, just a few facts is all 🙂

  41. Rohan Nair

    The west and the east are different, this is a country with a conservative backdrop, wherein traditions haven’t changed for like a 1000 years, it takes time to get accustomed to things that aren’t normal for the older generation to get acquainted with, India as a whole can be compared to the continent of Europe, wherein each state in this country is like a nation with in itself, they got their own culture,language and tradition, each person is viewed differently in accordance with his place of origin, falling in love with a person who hails from a different backdrop called for war, back in the days but now it has kind of mellowed down, as the idea of we looking the same may have got them to think differently, now imagine you have a different color combination thrown into the mixture, wherein the popular perception is that white women change men as regularly as they change their clothes, now this isn’t true, but a rumor that does the rounds, they watch hollywood movies, the only source which gives them a sneak,peak preview of your culture, which they aren’t able to comprehend, so they brand you as being cultureless and that’s the whole reason for this dominant perception, it can only be shattered via increased awareness and ridiculing their perception! its the only way out!

  42. vicktor

    Its got to do more with culture. One of my best friend from Iran he use to date a girl from Massachusetts during his early days in MIT but he married an Iranian. He told me mate when you are young everything seems like fairy tale but life is not fairy tale we are people from East and last thing you want in a relationship is a cultural difference. In India many prefer to stick to their own kind this is same everywhere. You can go to Scandinavian a Danish will prefer a Danish women . My good friend from Greece he told me his parents would be upset if he choose non Greek. So you see its not just in India there are certain sects of people in every society who want to stick to their own culture. All i can say move on with your life you will meet someone special.

    Cheers

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