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Feeling Sorry For Myself

angela-carson-bangalore-blog-personal-diaryI don’t often write just about me.  In fact, this might be the third time now in the 6 months since I started this blog amongst the 90+ articles that I’ve written.  But I have a writer’s block of sorts.  Not that I can’t write but I’m having a really hard time thinking of NICE things or funny things to write about from my day-to-day life because I’m going through a rough time at the moment.

I know that I am luckier than most but my “tough time” is a combination of everything that anyone goes through from time to time.  At the moment I am in a bit of a slump and in the microcosm of my life …. there are always good moments and bad.  And at the moment it’s hard to keep smiling or stay positive.

As such, I’ve slipped over a bit to the dark side on the inside.

Moving to a new city or – in my case – a new country can be hard on anyone.  Leaving behind the security and warmth of friends and family who are an undeniable safety net is a risky part of the thrill of the adventure. Leaving behind those people who cared what happens to me on a daily basis has definitely been rough on me emotionally.  Sometimes it’s the big things, other times it’s the small things that make me feel homesick.  For example, during Diwali, (the Indian version of Christmas), I wasn’t invited to a single home or included in any family celebrations, which I imagine are really fun affairs.  But I assume that I’m simply not close enough to anyone at this early stage in the game to have warranted such an invite.  Though I did enjoy the start of the festivities because it was lovely to see so many families together enjoying the fun of Diwali…but it made me miss my own family and friends even more.

For as social as I am, I’m lonely as hell at times.  But it’s to be expected.  I have only lived in Bangalore for 6 months now so I don’t have “best friends” that stay in daily contact after such a short amount of time so it really makes me long for and miss my friends back home in Europe.  You know those friends who “get” you without any misunderstandings.  The friends who are like family when you live so far away from your own family?  In part, that’s what I’m missing at the moment more than anything.  I know that these friendships will grow in time and that these relationships are BUILT by trust and respect and I look forward to having this again sometime soon here in Bangalore.  Plus I’ve screwed up a couple of times and opened my mouth when I shouldn’t have since my arrival, thus hurting a couple of new friends who I truly adore here in Bangalore so part of my problems are certainly of my own making.

Next…I’ve been single for 7 years but lately I’m starting to consider leaving single-dom behind and dating.  Maybe settle down with a boyfriend if I meet a smart, handsome, funny and adventurous man.  The epiphany hit me around my birthday last month, which was probably triggered by the realization that I am actually NOT going to get any younger.  Plus I probably caught the relationship “virus” from any number of infected people in this relationship happy land — it was bound to happen.  Well, when I told this to a friend of mine last month he proceeded to tell me that I wouldn’t find anyone to actually love me here because Indian men are only ever going to want to “get busy” with me, they won’t take me seriously and they won’t respect me.  WOW!  Now I have to be honest and say that it never occurred to me EVER, not for a single minute, that I couldn’t find a great man here in India but… is that true?  A fellow writer friend of mine, a stunning Aussie woman, found love in India.  I know a lovely engaged woman here in Bangalore who is also wonderfully happy with an Indian.  So why not me?  I know that this friend of mine is likely wrong but the words actually hurt and I keep replaying them in my head.  And in my current state of mind…it is definitely an opinion I wish he had kept to himself.  It’s a really depressing thought, actually.  Not really a “wind beneath my wings” sort of thought, is it?

Mount on this the financial strain of having lost the job I moved across the world for after only 7 weeks, and the fact that this move has cost me 5x what it should have cost me plus my entire savings account on the crazy 10-month rental security deposit rule in Bangalore … I am stressed out!!  Things might be different if I received child support from my ex-husband like a normal person but he refuses to pay and I haven’t had the energy to take him to court over it (okay, to be fair in the past 5 years/60 months he paid 3 of those months!).  And since I typically earn 3-4x what he has ever earned it never really mattered much to me.  But that was then and this is now and things are different at the moment so some ‘support’ would be amazing.

On a positive note, I have been writing more than ever in my life.  And I have a new job that I adore leading and building the MarCom team for a wonderful and amazing BPO company.  But at the moment I am contracted only part-time during my trial period so nothing is certain and the salary is as one would expect from the situation.  Yet I want to work my tail feathers off for them and quickly return to some stability and a “normal” life (both mentally and financially) after I start delivering results and my trial period is over.  So…there is a light at the end of that tunnel thankfully.

Most of the time I am completely in love with India, and the choice I made for my new home.  My daughter is doing great in school and has made friends quite quickly.  Even the cats are happier here since we live right on a park and the bird watching is kick-ass for them!  But today, and every once in a while, I wonder if India loves me as much as I love it?  Maybe I need to volunteer somewhere or clean up my karma somehow to snap out of this rut just a bit quicker?  Or…just be patient, which is certainly not my strong suit.

XOXO Angela

© 2011 Angela Carson

I started Angela's Bangalore from my hotel room on the very first day I moved to India in 2011, while struck with jet lag! It was my very first blog, the country's very 1st luxury travel blog. Now I'm rocking YouTube as @ExpatAngela, hope you'll subscribe.

This article has 39 comments

  1. RJ Bharath

    3C’s of life. … Make the choice to take a chance to see a change….

    but u got to have faith in u…. 🙂

  2. neth

    moving in India helps you to find your self, i wish that u can find ur happiness there as well, as i have found one, im not living in India, but being in a relationship with an Indian guy helps me a lot to love them and cant wait to visit one day.

    Not all fingers are the same Angela, u might encountered some bad people there but believe me they are good at heart, a loving person, they value women (i can say), tmost of our indian friends are good (based on my experience).

    But anything else, i wish all the best and happiness there in India and i wished that you could find one who will really love as you are…

    God Bless and keep smiling 🙂

    • angela_carson

      Thanks, neth…very sweet of you to comment. I have lovely friends who are there for me if I need them, don’t get me wrong. Just takes time to build up relationships. Thanks again, you rock! Good luck with you too…. A

  3. Anna

    Hey Ange,Anna here! I’ve been checking in on you and was almost considering emailing you to urge you to please start posting again! 🙂 I’ve missed your posts…
    You know what, I was sitting a couple of months back in London, knowing that i wll move to Mumbai soon to be with my Indian boyfriend, scared and hopeful..one day i found your blog and i couldn’t stop reading it, i was laughing and feeling what you went through and experienced the first few months of yourmove to India.
    But most of all I was deeply impressed with your strong spirit and your open mind and sense of adventure.I was inspired and really excited to continue follow your path!
    Hey, India is really tough in many ways, I think you have handled it AMAZINGLY, especially with what happened to your first job (extermely upsetting!)
    And i also know that if you are open for love, there is and indian prince (Or an expat prince) there waiting with open arms for you. I know of so many people married or in relations with Indian and truly beautiful men, i am sure your friend just hasn’t been exposed to this and doesn’t know´better.
    I also lived in BCN and i know how different it is! Its almost the opposite in terms of openness, but trust me,there are hidden gems when it comes to the men in India,you just have to sort out the majority 😉 But hey,I know you are already an expert on that!
    ´Sending you love girl!
    Anna

    • angela_carson

      Anna, I swear I almost just cried….thanks so much. It’s easier sometimes for someone from Europe or other western countries or the Americas to “get it” so I really appreciate you taking the time to share. When will you move to Mumbai? I really need to make a trip up soon. You are so sweet, hope we stay in touch. And good luck to you with your relationship. I’m curious if you have met the family yet and if they reside in London or Mumbai?
      Your pep talk helped 😉 xoxo

  4. Jon Wedge

    Hi Ange

    I wanted to drop you a line from the hills at the back of Sitges.

    It’s good to see a post about you and to hear that your daughter is doing well. I love the comments you’ve had so far.

    I’ve got no wise words for you, especially after what Anna wrote. Saying that, I’m more than comfortable being single, if only because it means I can fart while playing Xbox. You are always someone who has shone, when I’ve met you.

    Good Luick with the new job.

    Remember your tag-line, above. One day at a time

    Hugs

    Jxx

    • angela_carson

      My favourite DJ from Sitges…..what a treat to see your name pop up my sweetie. I still have the fondest memories of you. And I love the fact that you actually read the blog and care enough to comment. I follow your adventures as well, although I could have done without the centipede or catepillar cuz that guy still grosses me out when I think aobut the pic 🙂 Keep rockin’ my sexy friend. Big hug and kiss back…. OH and when you decide to come play India I have amazing connections and can connect you for gigs 🙂 So ven ven ven amigo mio xoxo

  5. Kiwicheta (@BarnabyHM)

    I know you’ll get through this, Angela. I too experienced major down times in India, and while your situation is obviously very different to mine, I think part of the beauty of India is its consistency in challenging you. The challenges are always slightly different, of course, but they don’t stop coming; sometimes they’ll break you, sometimes they’ll inspire you, sometimes they’ll blow right past you like they didn’t even matter.

    I wrote here (http://www.the-nri.com/index.php/2011/06/india-changed-my-life/) about the way India does not provide answers, but instead invites you to ask constant questions – self-searching, disbelieving, frustrated, shocked, elated – and perhaps find your own ways through the maze. And you do. This was my experience.

    In the meantime, if you’re struggling, feel free to reach out any time. No doubt you have friends who will listen, friends who will respond with their own problems, and friends who will give you a plain kick up the arse. In our different ways, we’re all here for you. 🙂

    • angela_carson

      You ‘jacked my comment to push your own article? haha Daaaaan you got some NERVE! hehe, just kidding. Thanks, B. You would know exactly how it is, aside from the reverse sexes thing but other than that you can certainly relate. I do have good friends here when I need a hug or a good kick in the ass…spent Tuesday night doing just that, in tracky bottoms and curled up on a sofa 🙂 I will read your article tomorrow on my drive into work, thanks for the link honey. And for the virtual hug of words. xo

  6. Ahmed

    ooops! I did it again…I wrote you an email!
    Perhaps, The longest one I’ve ever written…. 😛

  7. dundertoad

    almost hate to say this…. but i think your alone-ness stems from the fact that you hang out in the rich side of town. The shallow opportunism side of town, the side of town where getting busy is what life is all about, the screwers and the screwed. come meet some good folks on the po’ side of pubbing and such. guaranteed warmth and invitations to diwali, mahalaxmijayanti, eid, and any number of celebrations. seriously.
    The thing is rich folks here pretty mch equate SoCal with Lindsay Lohan.
    That thing about being single and such? you surprise me. judging by the guys i hang out with, your singleness ought to be measured in nano seconds. (and i do not mean used cheap cars.) (sorry, coffee hasn’t kicked in yet.)
    cheers and swing by the Rewind in K’nagar some evening. you’ll meet good folks.

    • angela_carson

      Hmmmmm I don’t know that money breeds shallow people and more humble means breeds good people but I don’t disagree that I should broaden my horizons. I adore Rewind, actually. Rohan is a very nice guy and I’ve always had fun when I’ve gone there….but it has been MONTHS. Let’s see…thanks for commenting Mr. T 🙂

  8. Kavita

    Hi Angela, I’ve been following your blog for a while now (found it via “white indian housewife”) as it’s an open and interesting perspective of your life here in India. This post resonates with me as it could be me writing some of those things. I sure hope you get to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough. Oh wait, of course you will!

    • angela_carson

      Thanks for the positive vibes, Kavita! Will check out your blog this weekend too…. thanks for taking the time to comment, have a good one! –angela

  9. anonymous

    Have to put in my two cents to “Now I have to be honest and say that it never occurred to me EVER, not for a single minute, that I couldn’t find a great man here in India but… is that true? ”

    – Thank your friend for telling you the truth
    – The two friends you quote who are happily married to indian men, one of them (whiteindianhousewife?) is a hippie hindu convert who was childless and changed herself completely and turned herself inside out in order to be married to an indian. She was asked out because she was foreign. Happily married ? for sure. She got really lucky – she acknowledges it in her book. She is not ‘normal’ like you, read her book for details. Not saying anything negative about her – she can take it too.
    – India has been a very closed off country till the mid nineties, and there has / and remains a huge foreign country and foreigner interest of all foreign countries: starting with our neighbor nepal, the maldives, bangkok, south east asia, etc.. ‘NRI’ is still a drool word, and foreign based indians are still highly sought to this day. Just check: model / actress married to NRI. 90% of love stories in movies are about a ‘UK / US / Canada based’ indian – who is nothing like the real people by the way, but a caricature – in love with a home grown indian girl – the ultimate fantasy
    – You WILL get asked out because you are foreign – unless the person is ‘cosmopolitan’. Whether the person is good / bad is another thing.
    – The social ways of indians are pretty unique: arguing / lack of space, etc.. are unique to indians only, and other people cannot make sense out of it. For one thing, most of these behaviors are banned in the USA. The culture clash: comparing indians and westerners particularly, things westerners take lightly are taken very seriously by indians, and vice versa.

    Okay. that turned out to be 2000 cents.

    • anonymous

      Oops. Any chance my comment can be deleted. thanks.

      • anonymous

        Okay okay. Got to go with your good friend Anna here.

        New request: I would like to read an article on ‘How not to be bitter’

        – signed ‘sad specimen of a bitter man’

    • sharell

      Lol… “a hippie hindu convert”.

      • angela_carson

        S, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that one but then another reader chimed in and took the pressure off me 🙂 The same guy also told me I am doomed here so go figure 🙂 Big hug from down south xo

  10. Anna

    O h dear anonymous writer….

    Angela , just don’t listen to this sad specimen of a bitter man!

    He never himself had the chance to follow his heart and loose himself in the beautiful world of romance and true love hence the resentment towards women, and of course especially a woman from another country….

    Listen, India It’s not the easiest place to date , not for Indians either but I have too many happy interracial friends and great male friends that would be more than happy to date a great woman like you! And by man i mean a human that actually looks for a friend, a lover and partner in crime 😉 Not some sad boy looking to score!

    Also, I don’t believe in taking advice from anyone, we’re all just talking from our own very limited experience as humans….the world is too big with too many stories to have any real opinions about such a thing as love!

    Ok, i’m done! 🙂

    And I am happy my pep talk helped!! 🙂 I will definitely stay in touch, I am moving down to Mumbai end of January, would love to come see Bangalore one day! (I will add you as a friend on FB!)

    Lots of love

    Anna

    • angela_carson

      Anna….thanks again! I look forward to meeting you in January. If I can answer an questions on relocation, etc please do ping me 🙂 I’m not in Mumbai but will help if I can. xo

  11. Mattew

    Keep up the spirits Angie..India is not that lonely place after all..you will find a true companion on the way along soon..

    on a different note, Maybe I could help you get accomodation without the 10 month security deposit in Dodballapur area if the location is suitable to you by Feb 2012.

    • angela_carson

      thanks, Matt…I’m in no hurry but needed that emotional blog I think…things were building up. And Doddaballapur is damn far! Holy cow!! Thanks for the offer but I love our flat, very central and we live right on a beautiful park so I wouldn’t move unless forced to at this point 🙂 –angela

  12. Bibi

    Hey Angela I go back to the US & visit friends & family about every 3 yrs. I take about a 2 month vacation & believe it or not I’m always ready to leave the US again.

    As far as meeting a suitable ‘man’ in India, yes it is definitely doable. But keep in mind the method to meet ‘suitable’ men here in India doesn’t really follow the usual western route of dating. I met my Indian husband on a trek in the Himalayas! You never know, when you least expect to meet the ‘man’, expect it!

    Changing jobs always honks, financial uncertainties are distressing. I don’t miss having ‘a regular job’ at all anymore. I don’t think I could stand a ‘regular job’ anymore. And no, I’m not a ‘Hindu hippie’, but I do find Buddhism quite fascinating. I came to Asia to ‘lose’ myself not ‘find’ myself . Just think, everyday in India you’ll see something you NEVER saw before!
    Take care, nothing is permanent but change!

    • angela_carson

      Hey Bibi, it’s been a while…how are you girl? Thanks for taking the time to comment. I haven’t snapped or anything, but typically I just show the “happy face” to my online presence for my reputation’s sake but this week I needed something like a mental cleansing. I’m sure my financials will work out again, they must…my daughter will go to UCLA in 2 years and I am the only person who will be paying for that and it’s going to cost $40,000 / year so this has to fix itself. and the man scene…. it was a douchey thing for my friend to say to me but it has stuck for whatever reason.

      I’m like you, I will only ever move back to the US again because I don’t have any other options. After my daughter heads off to uni, if I’m not madly in love here in India or don’t have the job of my dreams, I want to try Africa or South America or head to London where I have so many friends…. but certainly not the U.S.

      Hope all is well chickkeee xoxo

  13. Karthik

    Hello Angela,
    It was by virtue of a mistake that I landed on your blog, now I am happy that I did a mistake. First of all you make a wonderful writer & I truly liked the way the blog flows as words, Kudos…..
    I certainly understand your emotions landing up in a place leaving family, friends & lots of memories behind for work. I went through the same when i travelled from the South to the North of India for work, But thats life & let it flow the path it takes. Its better to leave it the way than to control & try to get it our way.
    I note a mention of yours that you feel Lonely at times, Who doesnt Angela, everyone does at one point or the other. As far as Indian celebrations are concerned, never wait for an invite- Just walk in to their home with a gift or a box of sweets/ chocolate. There isnt much of this tradition of the west of invitation that applies here.
    India as a country has a lot of surprise packages which comes with time & the only thing that we need to have is patience.
    Working in the hospitality sector i do have a lot of expat friends & most have got used to the Indian way of life.
    Do keep your ambitions & goals open, you would see that your dream has turned to reality.

    Keep writing these interesting notes & I must say I have become a fan on Day 1.
    Cheers & God Bless

    • angela_carson

      Hi Karthik,

      First, thanks for all the kind words and your encouragement. I really love writing and hope to land a book deal eventually when I figure out what the heck to finally write about 🙂 You are right that everyone gets lonely, feels the way I do, has financial woes. Kind of helps to know that although it would be lovely if no one had these problems, wouldn’t it? Hope you’ll keep reading, your comment was lovely and I would enjoy hearing more from you on topics of mine that are a little more on the fun side 🙂 Cheers, angela

  14. venkat

    any support i can do for you

  15. PencilGirl

    Hey there..
    You’ve been having a down phase, but from whatever little I’ve gathered about you from all that I’ve read on your blog, I’m pretty sure you’ll bounce back up soon. You’re one of those people who likes being happy too much to stay down for too long. 🙂
    One of the things about India is that there are a lot of people here. You’d think that would mean no one would ever feel lonely, but it’s usually quite the opposite. It’s very easy to get lost in the crowd. There’s this line in one of the Home Alone movies that is so true here- It’s not that people forget you, it’s just that they forget to remember you. Loneliness is like a side-effect that a lot of us end up suffering. Missing family and friends, and not having them around must make it much worse.. 🙁
    As for finding true love in India- I think it’s most definitely possible. Not easy maybe, but when is it ever? But there are definitely nice guys out there. It’s just that the black-hearted villains usually seem to draw all the attention to themselves, and people come to the sorry conclusion that that’s the only kind of men out there.. 😐
    Not feeling financially secure must really suck. That’s one of my bigger fears in life, not that I’ve ever faced it. But if things do get bad, I don’t have the slightest doubt that your friends will bail you out. Once again though, I have complete confidence on your ability to make it through. 🙂
    Hope you feel better soon. Until then, feel free to just vent out here.. That’s what blog-buddies are for, you know? 🙂
    Love and Hugs,
    My3

    • angela_carson

      Mythreyi you are an absolute treasure and I am really blessed to have you as a fellow blog-buddy. Thanks for picking apart my depressing issues and shining a happy or helpful light on them. I’m snapping out a bit, started writing today for the first time in a couple weeks aside from that Diary post so that is good. Hope you are wonderful….I send hugs and 2 kisses and love right back at you xo

  16. Nisha

    You are most probably going through the 2nd stage of “culture shock”. I have now moved countries 3 times and only found out about this “culture shock” thing this time around. I wish I had read about it before, as understanding what was happening to me really helped. All the best.

    • angela_carson

      Thanks, Nisha…. I too have lived in 3 countries + my native U.S. …. I have felt some of this below, I guess we all do. It’s true it doesn’t last forever but I’m soooo wishing it will end sooner than later 🙂 Much thanks, angela

  17. PB

    Hi Angela….came across your blog today, and read most of your articles. Was a real pleasure reading them. I’m an Indian who was brought up in Bangalore, but moved to New York 3 years ago to work for an Indian IT company. I know I’ll move back to Bangalore in a couple of years when my work visa expires, but while I’m away, I like to read blogs about my good ol’ hometown Bangalore , especially from the perspective of a foreigner.
    By the way, did you know that the word ‘Bangalore’ is derived from a Kannada term which literally means ‘town of boiled beans’ ?
    At one point, while reading your post on Indian weddings, I was sipping water, and reading the part where you compared walking around in a saree to luggage wrapped in bubble wrap…That cracked me up so much that all the water in my mouth ended up on the screen:)
    I can quite relate to how you felt not being invited to someone’s home for Diwali. I’ve been in the US for 3 years now, and I would love to be invited to an American home for Thanksgiving dinner, but that hasn’t happened yet 🙁
    But that hasn’t stopped me from partaking in the festivities. I’m all set to attend the Thanksgiving parade on Thanksgiving day, which is just 3 days away.

    You might have just inspired me to start my own blog with my take on life in New York ! Keep up the good work…

    • angela_carson

      Wow, that is one of the kindest comments I have read in a good while. Thanks so much for taking the time to share and for your kind words. And I always like knowing that people get my humour. You know I had a woman send me hate mail over the comparison between the lugguge wrap/saree comment who told me she hoped my ex-husband beat me, etc because of my disrespectful comparison. haha WTF? Hurt my feelings at the time but now it just makes me giggle 🙂

  18. Dev

    Hi Angela

    This is the second expat blog am coming across in a week on India. The first one is by another US couple who stay in delhi…their blog became so famous….they published a book….

    Love the honesty in the blog. Losing a job is hard.But U have picked up the pieces and are fighting it out. I am an Indian who just moved out to SIngapore after 5 of the most loveliest years in Bangalore, working for an ad agency. It’s a wonderful place. A lovely city. Give it some time….it will come through. The social acceptance will take time. Having stayed in London and now Singapore, i can tell u i am never invited to local festivities as well. It is the nature of society i guess….but Indian’s are far more easygoing…you will come across the right kind…and hopefully even the right men..and even some Diwali invitations…

    I hope u enjoy the city…..i came there in 2006 and lived it and loved it…and i know i will come back again…to settle for good…

    Keep writing….u have a gift…..use it….write stuff that people wud come back to read…make this blog grow…and u never know…ur relationship based articles are tight…

    All the best…to happier days ahead….cos sometimes in these early months in SIngapore…i feel exactly the same and i know how it feels to be out of one’s comfort zone…

    Cheers
    Dev

    • angela_carson

      Hi Dev, I really appreciate your wonderful comment and kind words. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone, isn’t it? Best of luck to you on your adventure in Singapore…keep in touch if you move back this way 🙂 Cheers, angela

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